A healthcare letter to my state senator

Erin Cizina
7222 E Calle los Arboles
Tucson, AZ 85750

5 December 2009

Senator John Kyl
6840 North Oracle Road, Suite 150
Tucson, Arizona 85704

Dear Senator Kyl,
I was laid off from my job as a technical writer at IBM in February 2009 and I have been paying for COBRA since then. For many months, my COBRA payments were reduced, for three months by IBM and then for 6 month by the government. Now I am responsible for the entire amount.

Currently, I am receiving $795/month in unemployment. In order to cut costs, my sons’ father was able to put one of the boys on his health insurance but I need to cover the costs for the other son. The insurance costs are going to be $755/month beginning in January 2010. Unfortunately, neither my son nor I are eligible for other insurance due to the fact that we both have pre-existing conditions. I have had two occurrences of breast cancer and my son has pulmonary arterial stenosis, an extremely miniscule hole in an artery that pumps blood to his lungs. His doctors have not seen him in two years and state that this should NEVER affect his health. My son is not eligible for the state funded children’s health insurance program because he must be without insurance for three months in order to qualify. How could a state require that a 4-year old child be without insurance before they can qualify for the state funded insurance? How could a country like ours allow children to go without insurance for even one day? That could be the day that they are involved in a life-threatening car accident.

It makes me so sad to be in this situation, for my children’s sake. I have honestly thought of moving to Canada, as many others have, just so that I don’t have to worry about my children’s access to healthcare.

Please do whatever you can to pass the healthcare bill. It won’t come soon enough for us, but maybe it will come soon enough for someone else.
Sincerely,



Erin Still Cizina

Belated update

It has now been almost 5 weeks since my surgery. I am quite belated in blogging mainly due to the fact that I spent almost a month recovering, too tired to work online at all. Then as soon as I was better, my schedule was chock-a-block full of appointments and events. I have been so busy that I haven't even had time to nap.

My mom came to stay with me before I went in for surgery. It was so reassuring to have her here to care for me. She cooked, cleaned, mended and organized. She was available for me at all times and prevented me from living on PB&J and cereal for a month. In fact, her cooking was quite good and I think I even gained a bit of weight, which I am now struggling to drop. It was especially good to have her here the day I took one of my kitties, Po, in to the vet. Quite unexpectedly, the vet informed me that Po had what he thought was a tumor and that he would recommend an exploratory surgery. He called me an hour later to tell me that there was cancer all through his system and he recommended that we put him down immediately. I did that and was broken hearted. Po was only just over a year old.

My father joined us for the last several days of my mom's stay. It was good to see him since he had recently suffered a fall and four broken ribs. I have missed him a lot and it was good to have him here in person. We read, did puzzles and drank tea all together. We had a lot of quiet time which was just what I needed. I was really sad to see them go.

A few days after their departure, my younger sister, Tracy came to visit. She stayed for 4 days. I was feeling more active so we went shopping, went to the All Souls Procession and enjoyed a dinner out with the boys and Oscar. She is such a sweetheart. I got rather grumpy and mopey during her last day here and it wasn't until after she left that I realized that I was grumpy because I dreaded her departure and going to miss her and all my family so much. I was distraught over the lack of plans for the holidays and I fell into quite a funk.

Then just a few days later, my oldest sister, Faith, called to say that she would like to visit in a few weeks. That brought my spirits up and when Tracy called to say that the family wanted to pitch in to pay for our airfare to California for the holidays, I finally exited my depression with such happiness over the upcoming holidays. It was a relief too, because I knew that the boys would really enjoy our visit.

I am now doing well. I have almost complete mobility and except for my continuing tiredness, I feel well. All the scars have healed and I am adjusting to my new body. It is not that bad, actually. The scars are relatively minor, except for a blackness to the scar on the left due to some dye that was injected during surgery. Apparently, that won't go away. I also have some severe skin damage from the radiation which will make any future reconstruction a rather complicated affair.

I am not feeling inclined to pursue reconstruction at this time so will get some prostheses. They will make my clothes fit better and will allow me to wear most anything. At this point, I am rather limited in my clothing choices and that can be rather depressing.

I hope to be better about updating my blog in the future but since I am still looking for a job, I am rather bogged down with that. I am also taking a course in International Leadership online and I must keep up with the assignments. Nonetheless, I do appreciate your comments and feedback and I feel so fortunate to have so many people concerned for me and the boys' welfare. Thank you all so much. I love hearing from you.

P.S. Please excuse me for my formal language but I am multi-tasking, working on my blog while watching Sherlock Holmes. It seems that the show has had a bit of an effect on my writing.

My emails from Spain (better late than never)

Hi All
I have arrived safely and I am enjoying my time in Cordoba. I had quite a trip to get here but it was worth it. I am staying in a cute little boutique hotel right in the center of the Juderia or Jewish district. My room is crooked and tiny and blue. There is an old wooden door that looks like it´s about 500 years old. They keep the AC on all the time so I had to use extra blankets but I love it. I wandered around a bit last night and then tried to get to bed at a reasonable time. It was about 10:30. I had a bit of trouble sleeping but finally dropped off only to wake up at 1:00 PM the next day to a phone call. Alison called assuming that I had been up and about for several hours. I was horrified. My plans for the day were shot.

Actually, it was a good thing. I have spent the day wandering around and getting my bearings. I visited the old synagogue, from the 1300´s and I drank some fresh orange juice. I am going to write some postcards tonight and have a late and light dinner. I can´t seem to eat much now after not eating hardly anything for 4 days (2 days of the flu and 2 days in transit).

Tomorrow I will visit some more sights and then meet Alison at our new hotel, which is a bit more luxurious. That´s good because I really want to taka a bath and this hotel only has showers. I would imagine in a building as old as it is, I´m lucky that it has indoor bathrooms!

Well, I should get out and enjoy the evening. That´s when all the tour groups leave and the souvenir shops close and it´s much quieter.
Love to all,
Erin

Hi All
We finally arrived at the Parador after a rather round-about trip to Sevilla and then 18 km back to Carmona then a hike up a hill. But it is lovely here. The view is marvelous, so much open space and the beautiful pool at the bottom of the hill. The building is quite spectacular, an old alcazar from a long time ago, not sure when.

Yesterday we spent wandering around the Jewish district and we visited the Mexauita or mosque. It was quite impressive. It had been a church but when the moors came they converted it to a mosque. Then when the moors were ousted, it was converted back to a church. It does look rather odd to walk in to what was obviously an islamic structure and to find altars and chapels all over the place. There was a beautiful ¨treasure¨there, made of silver, gold-plated silver and gold. It was about 5 feet tall shaped like successive crowns with a figure of St Theresa in the center. They also had the working from the tower clock from 1747. The tilework was quite impressive and the multitudes of columns throughout were kind of dizzying. One area was made up of all frescoes all over the walls and pillars and arches. They were really beautiful, especially with the afternoon light slanting in the windows. That was pretty much all we did that day but it was enough.

The funniest thing happened when we left the last hotel, the Hotel Bailio in Cordoba. When I arrived, a bit before Alison, I told them about her reservation and they showed me to the room. They said that we had been upgraded and I didn´t complain. When I was shown the room, it was amazing. It was huge with beautiful 16th and 17th sentury style frescoes on the walls. It was all a bit garish but amazing nonetheless. The bathroom was all done in black marble and it was so comfortable. I was quite impressed, especially considering the price we were paying. When we went to check out, we were give the price and it was NOT what we had been quoted. We showed her our reservation and she looked into it. In the end, she honored our reservation price even though we had received a TRIPLE upgrade. We paid for a standard room but were given a SUITE!!! Their rooms go in the following order, standard, delux, jr. suite, suite and 3rd floor. Apparently, someone at central reservations upgraded us twice and then the hotel upgraded us when we arrived. Can you imagine? We have no idea how it happened.

Anyway, we went down into Carmona today, walked across town and visited the necropolis, the place where the Romans buried the dead. It was just for the rich and well-known citizens from the 1st and 2nd centuries. There were lots of holes in the ground and doorways and niches where they put the funerary boxes full of ashes. It was quite extensive and although there wasn´t much to look at it was strange to think of people being there in that place with the dead buried underground. It is on the outskirts of town with a view out over the valley. Across the street there is an amphitheater. We didn´t get to see it but it´s not in very good condition.

We also went up in the tower of the city gates and got to see the view of the city. It´s not big but it sure does have a lot of churches and passing one of those churches on teh way back to the Parador, we saw a wedding. The women were really dressed to the nines, not quite in a style that we would consider tasteful,. but it was interesting anyway.

Tomorrow we are off to Sevilla. I´ll write more from there.
Love to all,
Erin

A bit about Sevilla:
We stayed at the most wonderful hotel in Sevilla. It was an old building with 2 courtyards and fountains. There was the bright yellow and blue tile throughout. Our room was another suite. It was lovely and well stocked with free goodies.

We had a ball in Sevilla. We visited the Alcazar which I thought was the best I had seen next to the Alhambra in Granada. The cathedral was the 3rd largest Gothic cathedral in the world after St Peter's and St Paul's. It was kind of bizarre because it was built around the original mosque so it had a lot of pillars and such and there were many altars all over the place but it was fascinating.

We ate a lot of tapas in Sevilla and there were gazillions of good places to eat. We enjoyed the food here so much. But the best part of Sevilla was going to see the Flamenco shows. We went to one early on our last night there and it was for tourists. It was OK but not really satisfying. So we went to a free show later on. It didn't start til 10 and it was jammed but it was really really good, not just for the dancing but especially for the singing, which was remarkable.

Alison left the next day and then I took off for Madrid.


Well, I had a nice few days in Madrid. I got my chocolate con churros and it was delicious. I had it at the most well known chocolate con churros cafe in Madrid. I also went to the oldest restaurant in the world, the Restaurante Gijon. It used to be frequented by Hemingway and even though I was alone it was a wonderful dinner. I drank so much sangria that I staggered back to my hotel.

The next day I went to the Thyssen museum and it took me all day. I didn't even see the whole collection but what I did see what amazing. I am glad that I got to see some art because I was really disappointed to miss the Museo de Bellas Artes in Sevilla. Who ever heard of a museum opening at 2:30 in the afternoon?

The morning that I left the hotel, I saw a real live prostitute. She walked out of a room at 4:45 and was not dressed in business attire. She had on some major stiletto heals. Then she didn't know where the elevator was. I showed her and she walked out of it ahead of me on the ground floor and tried to steal my taxi. The guy at the front desk was pretty rude to her and told her she could go outside and get her own taxi. I bet it really bugs them to have hookers hanging around especially when there are paying guests standing right there.

I sure was glad to get home and I was tired of the airplane. That's going to keep me closer to home in the future. It's just really tough on the body to be in transit for almost 24 hours.

Please forgive any oddities in this posting. I cut and pasted the info from a variety of emails that I sent home while on my trip. But it gives you and idea of what I was up to.

My next posting will be about what I have done since I got home.

Take care and thanks for the thoughts and support.

I got results!

It has been ages since I wrote a post but that is simply because I have been coping with an overwhelming lack of energy. Today is the first day that I have felt enough energy to work at the computer rather than take a three hour nap. I completed my radiation treatments last Monday, two days early due to extreme skin irritation. Actually is was burning. My skin was peeling off and blistering so badly that I could not continue. Now, a week later, I am healing and I see a light at the end of the tunnel.

Not only am I healing but I once again have money from my unemployment insurance. The letter that I wrote to Gabrielle Giffords actually got some results. I was so shocked. I mailed the letter on Friday and by the following Tuesday, I had gotten a phone call from someone to whom my letter had been forwarded. She was in charge of working out unemployment insurance problems (I know that this is vague, but that is the way I felt at the time). She asked about my claim and the problems I was having. I told her the story and she said that she would look into it and that a UI rep would get in touch with me and if I did not hear from someone in a few days, I should call her back.

On Friday, she called me and asked if I had heard from UI. I said that I was not at home and could not check my messages. She told me that she spoke to my rep, got my problem worked out and that my payments for the past seven weeks would be in the bank by the next week. And they were!!!!!

When I wrote that letter, I never expected to actually see any results from it. So now I know that if you make a stink, someone just might listen to you. So if you have a gripe or a concern, be sure to let someone know about it. And if you do it in a polite and diplomatic manner, you just might see some change.

Next up, a letter about healthcare, although it is long overdue.

A Letter to my State Representative

21 August 2009

Tucson District Office
The Honorable Gabrielle Giffords
1661 N. Swan, Suite 112
Tucson, AZ 85712

Dear Congressperson Giffords,
I was laid off from my job as a technical writer at IBM in February 2009. I received a severance package and believed that I would find work before the severance money ran out. Nonetheless, I filed for unemployment, just in case.

I have now been unemployed for eight months and have received a total of about $500 from unemployment. I received my initial two payments for unemployment but then there was an unresolved issue noted on my claim. That is because, when I was asked if I was available for work one week, I answered honestly and said that I was not. Due to my honesty, my claim has been on hold pending investigation.

I was sent a form. I filled it out and return it within the week stating why I was not available for work. I did that more than a month ago but the issue has still not been resolved. I tried to check my claim online but there was no information about what the problem was or the status. I called the help line but the lines are so full that the system just asks you to call back later and hangs up. I have been trying to call for about a month now.

I finally went to the DES office in town to see what I could do about the problem. They don’t actually handle unemployment insurance claims but they said that they could send a fax to the person responsible for my claim. That was two weeks ago and I still have not gotten a response.

How is a person supposed to get by when the safety net that the country has set up doesn’t work? I know that we are seeing a record number of people applying for unemployment insurance at this time but what do I need to do to start receiving the unemployment insurance payments that I am owed? I am ashamed of the state of Arizona for the pathetic state of the unemployment insurance system and how the claims are (or are not) handled. If there aren’t enough people to handle the number of claims, maybe the state should hire some more people. I would like to see you address this issue immediately as there are many more like me and in much more dire straits than I am.

Sincerely,
Erin Still Cizina

Time keeps marching on

Today, I went to radiation, got a massage, and then came home and took a four hour nap. I slept for four hours! It is incredible that I am able to do that. I am not a napper by nature and can only nap when I am sick. I lay down on my bed, closed my eyes and after about five minutes, swore that I would not sleep. I thought about getting up and doing something, any one of the hundreds of tasks that await me. But I resisted, knowing that my body was exhausted. The next thing I knew, I rolled over, looked at the clock and it was 3:00 in the afternoon.

The radiation and chemo have been a bit tough just because I get this urge to sleep all day. My skin is not doing so well. It's pretty sore and blistery so my radiation oncologist has decided to give me a break this week. I will start again next Monday. I will still finish my radiation by the end of the month. It will be a relief. I will then have the month of September free for recuperation.

The month of September will be a wild one. My sister Deb is coming out to be with me and I am thankful that she is. She will be arriving on Mario's birthday and will be here to help me out with his birthday party. Thank goodness! Then at the end of the month, I'm taking off for a bit of a break. A friend from Ireland and I are going to do a bit of touring around the south of Spain for a week. I am going to spend a few days in Barcelona too. It will be good to get away from the messy house and the reminders of what lays ahead in October. I will have a chance to eat some good food, drink some wine, see some beautiful architecture, and spend some time with an old friend.

As it stands at the moment, when I get back, I will have a week to prepare for my surgery. I will be able to have both the mastectomy and the hysterectomy at the same time but it looks like I will have to have a full hysterectomy, complete with the major incision all the way across my gut. I was hoping for laproscopic surgery but my medical oncologist recommends doing the full-blown hysterectomy, leaving nothing behind. I tend to agree with him. Consequently, it will be quite a long recovery but now is the time. I am free to take as long as I need to get better. And I'd rather not have to deal with any of this again.

Thank you all for your thoughts and support. Your help has meant a lot to me. I think I will be doing fine until October. I will keep you all up to date and in the loop.

A rough week

Actually, the title is a bit of an exaggeration. It hasn't been rough like the last time I went through treatment. It's just that this week I had chemo on Monday and I have had radiation every day and it's gotten me a bit wiped out. I was so tired yesterday that I could barely get myself out of bed. I am doing better today and I keep thinking that I only have to go through this until the end of August. Unfortunately, since I was so exhausted, I have not been able to write much and so I am a bit behind on this blog.

While I have been laying around the house, not able to do anything, not even read, I have done a lot of thinking. I have been especially thoughtful about a storytelling circle that I went to a few weeks back. It was a group of friends who get together once a month to eat, drink and tell stories. It was my first time attending and I wasn't sure how it would go but it was a lot of fun and very enlightening. All the stories are about the participants' lives and it is very reminiscent of the old storytelling circles back before TV and radio. It was a wonderful way to share an evening.

We heard stories about a flooded basement, a 15-year old's summer spent as a rafting guide, a summer spent as an exchange student in Spain, car troubles, friends and children lost and found, and many more. Every event is different, full of laughter ansd some tears.

As it turns out, many of the people at the storytelling event have other ties to storytelling. Some are part of a group here in Tucson called Odyssey which is a storytelling group that puts on shows every other month at Club Congress. It only costs $7 and it's wonderful to go and hear people tell stories about thier lives based on a particular theme. I am really fascinated with this movement and I think it really encourages people to share about thier lives and we, the listeners, are enriched by their experiences. There is a similar group in the bay area called PorchLight too.

Continuing with the storytelling theme, there were others at the storytelling circle who are involved with a new (to me) phenomenon called "digital storytelling". This is where people create shorts based on stories from thier lives. They incorporate photos and music with the narration to share their stories with others. This is a technique that is being used in community development projects and language learning venues. It is a wonderful way to empower people and to encourage them that their stories are important and people can learn from thier lives.

When I heard about the work that some of the people are doing with these digital stories, I thought that it would be a fascinating area for me to work in. It combines my interest in community development and stories with my knowledge of technology. I am planning to attend a workshop to learn more about how to create the digital stories in September. If it goes well, I may go on to study to become a facilitator and teach people how to create their own stories.

If you are interested in learning more about these topics, here are a few websites that you might check out:

http://www.odysseystorytelling.com
http://www.porchlightsf.com/
http://storiesforchange.net/
http://www.storycenter.org/
http://www.creativenarrations.net/

Thank you for your continuted interest in my blog. I enjoy reading your comments and continuing the discussion with you all.

More drama than I can deal with

I really had other things that I wanted to write about today but there have been some developments health-wise that I think people would want to know about. It really is more drama that I can deal with.

Yesterday was supposed to be my first day of chemo. I will be getting either Taxol of Taxatere to help enhance the radiation treatment but this chest cold has been getting worse and presenting some strange symptoms such as nausea. By the time I got to the oncologists office, I couldn't even sit up comfortably so I lay myself down on the examining table. When Dr. Taetle came in, I told him that I had a cough, wheezing, nausea, light headedness, all compounded with my regular hot flashes. I had gone for a chest x-ray at the insistence of my radiation oncologist and apparently, it showed a small spot that could be an early sign of pneumonia! Well, I have to say that I felt like I have pneumonia so I was not that surprised. Dr. Taetle put me on an antibiotic and something for the cough and nausea and told me to get some rest. He said that it wouldn't be a good idea to do the chemo if I was already feeling so lousy.

Then I told him about all the strange hormonal symptoms that I am having. I have hot flashes from morning to night. I have had feelings as if I would get my period and I have had extreme weepiness. These seem to be conflicting symptoms. If I am menapausal, I shouldn't have hot flashes, if I'm peri-menapausal, I shouldn't feel weepy. My estradiol levels are at 8 which is almost nothing, so why am I feeling like I could cry when I look at a person in the waiting room? I really have my doctors stumped. Honestly, I'd much rather be a normal case that reacted to my meds as expected.

I went to see a naturopath today. He is a medical doctor who specialized in naturopathic medicine but he is also a specialist in cancer treatment. He's pretty interesting looking, tall and slim, dressed in black pants and shoes with a rather stylish gray and black shirt. He wears narrow rimless glasses and has curly black hair speckled with hints of gray. He spent ages with me discussing my history and habits, did a brief examination and then talked to me about a regimen. I felt confident that he really knew his stuff and I liked his approach to my situation. I am going to give it a try and see how I feel. He said that I can eat meat (organic) and soy (less than 60 mg isoflavones per day). He told me to avoid sugars (as everyone says) but gave me a feeling of hope for, not just surviving this cancer, but improving my overall health.

I did find out a cool thing at radiation yesterday. When I go in, they put a wax template on my chest. I asked what that was for and the tech told me that it fools the electrons so that they don't penetrate as deeply into my chest. They just penetrate to the surface cells. I thought that was pretty fascinating. I'd love to know more about how that works.

Well, there is much more to tell and I have some fun new posts to write but I have an appt with a naturopath in an hour so the additional blog entries will have to wait.

Love to all and Peace!

Revolutionary Road: A critique

While suffering from a wretched chest cold this past week, I had the opportunity to watch several movies. One that I had added to my Netflix queue while watching the Academy Awards this past year was Revolutionary Road, with Leonardo DiCaprio and Kate Winslet. Now if you haven't seen this film and plan to, do not read any further, as it will spoil the film for you. If you are not in that boat, well, then by all means, read on.

I have not read the book, Revolutionary Road, by Richard Yates. I usually read the book before seeing the film because so often I find that I prefer the one that I am introduced to first. But in this case, I forged ahead and saw the movie first.

I should have been a bit wary since the last movie I saw with these two stars, namely Titanic, was not my favorite film. I thought it was all special effects, very little story line and weak acting, at least as far as Leonardo was concerned. Revolutionary Road was different in that, the story line was quite intriguing. It was sporadic and jumpy like so many American films are these days, probably to feed the short attention spans of the American viewing public, but there was real substance there. Unfortunately, the casting of Leonardo DiCaprio in the leading male role was not the best choice, as I feared before I watched the film. Admittedly, he has been seen in some well known and even respected films in his career but, as many times as I see him on screen, I always think that I am watching Leonardo DiCaprio play Leonardo DiCaprio. For me, he has no depth, he doesn't bring his characters to life for me, they always seem so flat.

On the other hand, to watch Kate Winslet is to see a true actor delve into the persona of her character and bring her to life, to wrench every emotion off the page of the script, and pull it into her very being. She is still growing and developing as an actor, but the growth and development is evident in every role that she takes on. It was a shame to cast her opposite Leonardo because just as she is enveloping the audience in the tragedy and loss of April's life, Leonardo is pulling the viewer out of the story and reminding us that it is just a film.

Now that I have seen the film, I feel a need to read the book. The film falls short in portraying the storyline in a complete fashion, leaving the viewer feeling that there is so much more that we don't see. The film provided nuances of intrigue where I imagine the book delved deeper into some profound questions, questions of motivation, purpose and reactions. For example, after April died, did Shep think that she wanted the abortion because she was carrying his baby? If so, how did he deal with his sense of guilt? There was the realtor's son, who was crazy, did he serve any greater role in the book than as a way to bring all of Frank's and April's true feelings to the surface? Was he just there to bring the critical underlying issues out and lead to the break between April and Frank?

For me personally, there were several themes in the story that deserve greater attention. The first was Frank and his career working for the large corporation, sitting in a cubicle day in and day out and getting no satisfaction from his careeer. For a while I thought that Knox was based on IBM but then I though it might be Xerox. Regardless, I could see myself in Frank. When April suggested they move to Paris so that he could pursue something that he really had a passion for, I thought about how much that would have appealed to me. I saw myself in that part of the story. I identified with April and her desperation to leave the suburbs, to get out, to go anywhere.

This pointed to the other theme that touched me. I saw that April was lonely, that she felt so isolated in the suburbs. It was 1955 and the rush was on to expand out further and further away from the city center. The drive to the suburbs was on but in the process, we lost connection with our neighbors, we lost connection with our community and we became insular. This is something that I have been pondering a lot lately. When I have thought that the boys and I might need to move, I have always thought that if we did, I would want to move to a city, to live in an urban environment, where we could be close to our neighbors, where we would see people in the morning when we left for work, where we would share a wall, and be a part of the activity of life again. April had lost all that and she was alone all day every day, with only the children as company and not even that when they were at school. Her isolation led to her desperation to get out and that led to her breakdown.

I could write so much more on this movie. It was so full of tidbits to capture the mind and grab the heart and intrigue the conscience. I look forward to reading the book and possibly writing more at that time.

BTW, radiation is going well. I don't know when I will start chemo but for the moment, things are running smoothly. Thanks for reading ....

Writing for better health

One of the practices that I think can make a huge difference in my health is doing what truly makes me happy. I am a writer. I have always been a writer. I wrote my first novel when I was twelve. I wrote poetry all through high school and college. Why did I stop? I know that when I was thinking about a career, I was scared that I couldn't support myself if I attempted building a career out of writing fiction.

Then I look at my current situation, and I'm not really supporting myself. I thought about what I do when I am not working, and I am writing. I am writing a blog, articles for a friend's website, short stories, and I write in two different journals. So how can I incorporate writing into my future work.

From the highs to the lows

To make a very long story short, the appointment with my radiation oncologist was not all I had hoped for. There were several bits of bad news delivered that day. They include the following:

- The area of my breast/chest where the recent lump was found had been radiated during my previous cancer treatment, and yet it came back. This means that this cancer is particularly resistant to radiation (as it is to chemo, that we already knew).

- I will need to have radiation again but it will be more difficult this time (for them, not for me). They have to direct the radiation at an upward angle which means that they are going to have to tape my breast up to my arm. Sounds like fun, huh.

- I will also need to have chemo while getting my radiation. I know that I thought I was going to get a pass on the chemo this time but no such luck. The upside to this chemo is that it is not the heavy duty drugs that I got last time, no hair loss and nausea. This drug is a radiation enhancement drug to increase the effectiveness of the radiation.

- I will need to recover from the radiation for about six weeks before I can plan the next surgery.

So that's it in a nutshell. I wanted to get it all out there because I find that I would like to write about things other than just my cancer. I know that everyone is concerned about me and my health but I feel that there is so much more going on in my life that I want to share.


For the first time since my surgery, I went to yoga class at Sunstone Cancer Support Center. The instructor there, Jenny, teaches a gentle yoga class which is slow and yet quite powerful. Yesterday, we went into twists and other poses that moved the muscles and stretched the limbs but never required too much of us. Towards the end, we were on our backs in a relaxation pose when the rain started to come down. It never starts gradually. The drops sounded like nails being dropped on the roof. The clatter would have been unnerving for anyone not accustomed to our monsoon storms but to us it was reassuring and soothing. We welcome the rain whenever it comes and in whatever form it takes. After the rain stopped, the thunder continued, rolling through the desert, growling through our practice.

When we left the building, the air was moist and tepid. I told Jenny that I like the monsoons because they are passionate, loud and extreme. Drops were still falling in ones and twos and it felt so renewing after our yoga practice. I wanted to drink it in so I got in my car and opened all the windows and let the water drops fall on my arm, my face, my glasses, as I drove home.

I always feel so different after I have gone to yoga. I have attended several different classes, some fast and energetic, some competitive, some quiet and restful. I find Jenny's classes to be the best fit for me. I have been thinking about her and how she came to her role in my life. She used to be a statistician and through a round-about journey, arrived in Tucson teaching yoga. Her story was very inspiring, how she truly followed her bliss and found it here.

My stint as an unemployed writer/ESL teacher/traveler/single mom has continued for over four months. I have never been unemployed against my will. I have often come back from my travels and had no work, but that was part of the plan. This time it was quite unexpected and unwelcome. During the past months, I have come to the realization that this is my chance. This is a time that I have all to myself to figure out what I want to do and to remake my life, to find my bliss and follow it. That realization has me somewhat overwhelmed.

I have gone all over the place with my ideas. First I wanted to get my project management certification, thinking that that would prove to be a key to my success, although I wasn't quite sure what that might look like. I thought about international management and international non-profits. As much as I looked, my qualifications didn't seem to fit in with their requirements and I got discouraged. Then I thought, maybe I should think about teaching ESL again. I even considered going abroad to work, but realized much to my dismay that this recent bout of cancer was going to tie me close to home, what with medications and check ups and all the rest. My dreams of living overseas have to be put on hold once again, although we all know that that is probably for the best, as far as Mario, Mateo and Oscar are concerned.

After I realized that an overseas job just isn't in the cards at the moment, I got really lost. When I thought about the jobs like the one I just left, I knew that I wanted something different. I don't want to spend my days in front of a computer anymore. It worked for ten years but now it's time for a change. When I dream about what would make me the most happy, I know that it involves travel and going overseas. I don't necessarily have to live there, although I would love that. That's what my mind always takes me back to.

Then last night, I was talking to my friend Lisa and I said something that surprised me. I have thought about being a yoga instructor. It would be a healthy career and it would get me out from in front of the computer. What?????? What was I thinking????

I asked Lisa what she thought was going on, why I changed my career plans every day or so and she said that she thought it might be a way to keep my mind off of my health. I think she might be right. I have had a great time thinking about how I would go about becoming a yoga instructor and dreaming of all the retreats I could go to overseas. I have thought about building a private studio in the back where I could hold classes etc. When I get an idea, I really run with it. I also realized something else.... I need a counselor.

I have been sharing my ideas of the perfect career with everyone I talk to, my parents, my sisters and all my friends. Then it dawned on me that I really should be talking to a counselor because they might be able to help me really get some clarity on what I should do and how to go about doing it. So my next step is finding a counselor wih whom I have a good fit and I will go from there. Wish me luck!

The surgeon's follow-up appointment

From our back yard, we could see the fireworks that were shot off from the Tucson Country Club on the night of the 4th of July. The boys were already in their pajamas and the air was warm. We were sitting around in the backyard waiting for the first booms indicating the start of the show. Then we ran to the back of the yard for a better look. The sky blossomed with the colors and lights of the fireworks. This was the first year that Mateo got to see the show. It took him a few minutes to get used to the resounding, earth-shaking explosions. But once he knew that he was safe and saw Oscar, Mario and I enjoying the wonder of the celebration, he relaxed and settled into his seat on the wall.

The next day the boys and I went to Quaker meeting. After leaving the boys in first day school, I found a comfortable chair in the meeting. I don't know if I fell asleep or if I was so caught up in appreciating the silence and being in the moment, but it seemed like only minutes had passed before the children came in to join the adults in worship. After the meeting, it was so uplifting to see so many supportive smiles and to get hugs and back-pats. The boys and I are truly surrounded by a blanket of love and caring. I have received numerous notes of concern, even from people I don't know well. I can't tell you how inspiring it is when people just reach out to you, regardless of whether they know you well or not. I have also realized that one of the positive outcomes of this experience is that it is bringing the boys and I closer to the meeting and it is opening up a path for me to get to know more of the meeting members. It's true that even during the darkest of times, beautiful things can come to be.

Today, Monday, was my follow-up appointment with Dr. Roeder. While I sat in an armchair and exposed my naked chest, she took a look at my incision site and said that although it wasn't beautiful, it was healing well and the operation had been successful. They had removed a 3 cm tumor and had good clear margins, which means that there was sufficient healthy tissue surrounding the tumor when it was removed and that we can be relatively assured that they got all the cancer.

Then the doctor had some surprising news for me. As I sat there crinkling in my paper "gown", she told me that she thought that my radiation oncologist, Dr. Croghan, may not feel a need for me to have radiation. I couldn't believe that that was even a possibility. I thought it was going to be mandatory. So I was really pleased to hear this news, even though I know that I still need to talk to Dr. Croghan on Wednesday. I am most concerned about the consequences if I don't get radiation.

When Dr. Roeder and I discussed my additional surgeries, she told me that it might be possible to combine the double mastectomy and the hysterectomy into one surgery. Although the recovery time will be longer, I will only have to recover once. It's like being hit by a train once rather than being hit by a minivan twice.

I was thrilled at the possibility because I have wondered if I should have pushed to have the mastectomy and the lump removed at the same time. Of course, the longer and more complex the surgery, the more problems that can arise but I think it would be a lot easier on me in the long run so would be worth it.

Then Dr Roeder mentioned something else surprising. She said that she was going to present my case at a conference next week. She is curious as to why the breast MRI didn't pick up the cancer. That is a question that has been itching at my brain since I got the diagnosis. I will be interested to hear what she finds out from the conference and I hope they can figure out a way to prevent this from happening to another person.

So, I still don't have a time line to plan the future from but I am getting closer and the news has been pretty good. I would like to get this all over with during the summer in the hopes that I can take a little trip before the winter sets in. Nothing heals better than a visit with good friends, yummy food, and a little cultural exchange. More to come on Wednesday, after the appointment with my radiation oncologist.

Love and Peace to all.

The drain is out!

Today was the day after the slashing, crashing monsoon rains. It was wonderful to see the walls of rain come plummeting down to earth. A friend, Ami, had brought her little chihueenie dog over for a visit and we chatted til the rains dried up and the only evidence of the storm was the sweet smell of moist desert.

I was very glad to have an appointment with the surgical nurse today as I woke up with a sore breast and rubber tubing stuck to my stomach with sweat. It's bad enough having a drain, but when you are experiencing the humidity of monsoon summer, the rubber sticking to your body can make you feel like yanking the drain out yourself.

It was a quiet morning at the medical complex, not many cars and no waiting patients. I walked right in and lay down. Mary RN removed the stitch, which felt like she was cutting a rope, the thread was so thick. Then she told me to take a deep breath and she yanked! When I asked her how much tubing had been inside me (cuz I had had my eyes closed when she pulled it out), she showed it to me and it was about a foot long! I was in shock. There was about one tenth that length under the skin with the last drain I had.

So I felt a huge relief afterwards. It felt like she had removed a garden hose from my chest. She covered the opening with gauze and tape and I was on my way, being warned not to bathe for 24 hours. There are lots of warnings about not bathing with these operations. I feel a bit grungy but I will abide by the rules. (Don't I always?!) So if you see me on the streets and I look like I haven't bathed, well, I haven't.

Well, now I can wear normal clothes again and take my showers more easily, after the allotted 24 hours. I can get back to being a person, until the next time......

The check-up

My sister, Tracy, left yesterday after visiting for 4 days and helping me to get this house in order a bit. It was great to have her here to talk to and hang with. She worked really hard and did lots of meal preparation, making sure that I was eating well. It was hard to see her go but she got me through the toughest days of the recovery. Also, she kept the lonliness at bay.

I had a check-up with my oncologist today. It wasn't very eventful actually and I guess I should be happy for that.

I went in after sleeping until 9:00 AM. I actually felt like I got enough sleep but I was still tired. I got dressed in some yoga pants and a blouse that, although it made me look pregnant, didn't make me look like I had a drainage bulb hanging from my neck. I didn't have the energy to put on make-up or jewelry so I felt a bit unfinished but at least I didn't look like the disaster that I felt like.

Fortunately, I was called into the back relatively quickly, without being hounded by the financial folks. I guess my yelling at the financial assistant last time gave them the message that I wasn't too interested in talking to them about my outstanding balance.

Both Dr. Taetle and Mary Lynn, his assistant, came in and talked to me. They looked at the surgery site and discussed my hormone levels. According to the last blood test, I am post-menopausal but according to the previous tests, my hormone levels were off the charts. Go figure! If I am acually post-menopausal, they can start me on another drug instead of the tamoxifen. So I need to have another blood test to determine where I really am.

I was told to make an appt with Dr Croghan, my radiation oncologist. I will need to see her to determine how long I will have to have radiation and when I can start. I can't really plan anything or even look ahead until I know those things. I really feel like my life is on hold. And subsequently, so is Oscar's life since he is so tied up with everything that is going on with me.

I asked Dr. Taetle some questions about this recurrence and what it means for the future. Well, I hate to say it, but he didn't have any good news for me. It wasn't all doom and gloom but there is no up side to this latest tumor that I can see. So, we're back to "one day at a time" which I had just begun thinking I could up to one year at a time. No such luck!

Thanks again for all the love and concern that you are all showing. It is amazing how much it helps just to know that you all are out there, thinking of me and the boys. We feel the positive energy of your love and support. Keep it coming!

Surgery was a success

Yesterday I went in for a lumpectomy, also known as a partial mastectomy. I wasn't nervous or worried as I had been through a similar surgery already. In fact, I have been through so many surgeries in the past few years that I was beginning to feel like an old hand at it. When asked if I had any questions, I said, no, I've done it so many times that I know what to expect.

Fortunately, there were no glitches. I got into the operating room talking about hamburgers (that's what the anesthesia does to you) and came out of the anesthesia with a sore throat from the breathing tube. They sure don't give you much time for recovery. As my IV was being removed, the nurse kept telling me to keep my eyes open and not fall back asleep, I'm sure because they couldn't release me if I wasn't conscious.

So they hustled me out to the entrance where Oscar and my friend, Heidi, were waiting. It was so sweet of Heidi to come see me. She got all of 3 minutes to say hi and give me a hug and then we were off home.

I walked in the house, fell into bed and Oscar had to remove my sunglasses. I slept for a while and felt fine. We started off slowly on the food just because the nurses told us to but I was famished from fasting since midnight the night before. When Oscar wasn't looking, I went into the kitchen, ate about 20 tortilla chips, a huge bowl of yogurt with berries, and made myself another cup of tea. Luckily, I had no nausea and didn't throw up, because that would not have been pretty.

The boys came home and were glad to see me awake and able to take hugs. Oscar urged them not to touch my torso because not only do I have the wound all bandaged up, but I have a drain. I was hoping to avoid having a drain this time, but since there was a cavity left from my last surgery, Dr. Roeder said that it was necessary. Besides it's better to have a drain than to have to go back to the hospital to have the wound draind there.

So, now the boys desperately want mommy to play "Show & Tell" where I let them see the bandages and the drain. I said that they had to wait til later on today when I am feeling more up to it. They will love it, cuz it's pretty gross and little boys love that stuff.

In the mean time, I have watched four episodes of Michael Palin's "Around the World in 80 Days." I am also just devouring "100 Years of Solitude" and all the New Yorkers I can get my hands on. I am working on some short stories of my own and responding to my email. And when I get tired of doing all those things, I take a nap. So no need to worry about me, unless of course I run out of reading material.

Thanks for all the calls and good wishes. I am well cared for and I feel really loved. I miss all my friends and family who I don't get to see often but I am thinking of all of you. I will write more soon, but it may not be about cancer. Til then .....

A moving World War II account

Some years back, I heard about a book on NPR. NPR is a good source for interesting and intelligent literature and more that once I have gone in search of something recommended on one of the programs. This time it was called Address Unknown by a not-so-famous writer named Katherine Kressman Taylor. The story takes place prior to the start of WWII and it was about the correspondence between two men. It was somewhat reminiscent of 84 Charing Cross Road.

After hearing about the book, I immediately checked the library catalog but they didn't have a copy. I then went to Bookman's, the local used book store, but there wasn't a copy to be had. I looked in a few of the local bookstores but still no sign of Address Unknown. Finally I was forced to go online. Even so, it was tough to find the book. I finally came across it and soon it was in my hands. I was surprised to see that it was really just a tiny little book. Only about, 6 inches by 6 inches, and about 60 pages long, it was like a little gem that could be easily hidden among the multitude of other larger books that littered my night table.

I sat down to read the book and finished it in about two sittings. It was as enjoyable and surprising as I had expected. It was a touching and disturbing story told via a series of letters. I have heard that the story has been presented on the stage by actors reading the letters.I heard this from my friend, Suzanne Taylor.

It's a funny thing about Suzanne. I was driving her home from summer camp a week ago. We were talking about family and she was describing her husband's family. She told me that her mother-in-law had been a writer. Well, this sparked my interest because of my love of writing. She said that her mother-in-law had written one book that received some critical acclaim, but when she mentioned the title of the book, Address Unknown, I was absolutely stunned. It's one thing to find out that someone you know has written a book that you've heard of, but to find out that they wrote a book that you admire, that's a different story. I screamed "No Way!" while I was driving and I think I scared the wits out of Suzanne. She recovered quickly though and told me the story of how a few years back, the publishing company decided to do a brief re-release of the book. So they reprinted the book and began selling copies.

It wasn't until one of her kids noticed the book on a shelf at a bookstore that he said, hey wait a minute. He contacted his mom and asked her if she knew that her book had been reprinted. She didn't so they contacted the publisher. Apparently, the publisher couldn't imagine that the author would still be alive 60 years after the original publication of the book, so they just assumed that she had died. They made arrangements with her for royalties and the book was re-released. It was one of those re-released copies that I got.

Although I never met Katherine Taylor, I feel as though I had, knowing the personal stories that Suzanne shared with me about her life, about how she lived in Gettysburg, PA, how she worked and raised her kids, and about her husband. It seems so strange to know those things about a writer but in some ways, it seems natural to know them about the author of this book. It is a real treasure and one that I hope to reread many times.

After meeting the surgeon

I had an appointment with my surgeon yesterday. Her name is Dr. Vanessa Roeder. I liked her right away. She instilled confidence, had a sense of humor, and her hands weren't too cold. She did an ultrasound and it showed that, fortunately, the lump wasn't so close to the sternum that any bone would have to be removed. When bone removal is involved, it is more painful and involves more recovery time. I am really relieved that I won't have to deal with that.

The bad news is that it appears Dr. Roeder may have to perform a lumpectomy to remove the cancer and schedule the mastectomy for later. She needs to discuss my case with Dr. Croghan, my radiation oncologist, before she can determine what the actual treatment plan will be. If Dr. Croghan is in agreement with Dr. Roeder, it is possible that I will have the lumpectomy on Tuesday June 23rd and then have a series of radiation. After the radiation treatments, I would then have the bi-lateral mastectomy. The question as to whether reconstruction would be possible depends on how the radiation affects the skin and whether there is enough good skin to do reconstruction.

So at this point, it looks like I might have anywhere from 2 to 4 surgeries. They would include the lumpectomy, the mastectomy, the reconstruction and then the hysterectomy.

I suppose it's fortunate that I am not employed at this time. This is going to be a long, drawn out process. Of course, after the lumpectomy and the radiation, I can begin to work again. At this time, I am really tired and find that I am napping every day. Thank you everyone for all your good wishes. I truly appreciate them. I will try to write back but if you don't hear from me for a while, know that I am thinking of all of you and soaking up all your positive thoughts. It all really helps.

And those of you who are far away but want to do something, if you could just write me a note, that is the best help and support you can give. I get such a lift from all your notes and cards.

Check back soon for updates. Dr. Roeder said that she should know more about the surgery dates and follow-up by tomorrow. I hope that it's good news.

Not what I would expect to write about

When I started this blog, I was planning to write about traveling, my travels, stories of other people's trips and all the wonders of knowing the world personally. I never expected to be posting the news about my latest health crisis. Nonetheless, during my last encounter with the dreaded BC (breast cancer) I found the blog to be the easiest way to keep everyone updated and informed about my circumstances. It also eliminated the need for me to update everyone individually. So here I am again, blogging about my health.

For those of you who don't know, I have been diagnosed with recurrent breast cancer. It is early and isolated. It is not a new cancer, but a recurrence of the old cancer. This is good because it means that the cancer didn't travel through my system to pop up again. It is a small lump located on the left side of my breast near my sternum.

I have seen my oncologist, Dr. Raymond Taetle, and he says that I should have it removed as soon as possible but that I wouldn't need any chemotherapy. I will have a rigorous series of radiation treatments though. This is also good news because it means that it will be a much less traumatic experience for the boys in that I will not lose my hair and I will not spend three months barely able to get out of bed.

Under the circumstances, I have opted for the most aggressive approach to this cancer that I can think of and that includes a double mastectomy and a complete hysterectomy. This seems to be called for since the new lump appeared even though I am on hormone suppression therapy. So apparently my body is producing enough hormones to feed a new tumor regardless of what drugs I am taking.

I am currently unemployed so I will have time to go through the surgeries and treatment and take the time I need to recover fully. I am not worried about the cancer so much now as I am how I will handle all the changes my body will go through. I am also concerned about how the boys will handle the "new" me. But we will cross that bridge when we come to it.

Well, I appreciate all your support. I am very fortunate because I am surrounded by good people and I now have a really good local support system that I didn't have before. I feel that I will be well taken care of. So don't worry, just hold positive thoughts.

The miracles of Chimayó

(This article was created for inclusion on the website www.cancerjourneys.com)

Let me start off by stating that I am not a Catholic but I was raised in the Catholic church and I love their traditions. I find some of the rituals very reassuring and calming. Therefore, when I read about Chimayó, a shrine in New Mexico, I wanted to visit. It wasn’t until after I had been diagnosed with breast cancer, however, that I knew that I had to visit. Many people lose their faith in God when battling cancer. Others cling on to everything a faith in God offers at a time of misfortune. I was somewhat in the middle but I figured a bit of help from God couldn’t hurt.

The story of the shrine states that one day, around 1810, a Chimayó friar noticed a light bursting from a hillside. He dug into the hillside and he found a crucifix, which was called the miraculous crucifix of Our Lord of Esquipulas.

A local priest took the crucifix to Santa Cruz, about 5 miles away, but each time, it disappeared and was later found in its hole back in Chimayó. The third time it happened, everyone understood that the crucifix would remain in Chimayó. That is when the people built a small chapel on the site.

The curative powers, however, do not seem to come from the crucifix itself but rather from El Posito, the "sacred sand pit" from which the crucifix was dug up. Hundreds of people visit the shrine on holy days and pilgrims walk great distances just to collect some of the soil with the miraculous healing powers.

We arrived in Chimayó among a crowd of tourists, some believers, some just curious. It was a warm day and the sun glistened off the stones of the plaza in front of the chapel. It was a simple adobe structure with the rustic beauty of northern New Mexico. We walked into the chapel which was full of people praying. It was so small that we could not sit. Instead we walked to the front of the chapel to gaze at the crucifix that still adorns the chapel altar.

From the altar, there is a small doorway to the left, which takes you to the small cubicle-like room that contains El Posito. People were crowded around the hole, looking in, not sure what to make of it. I got down on my knees and said a little prayer. I spread the soil all over my chest and then turned to my boys. I took each one by the hand and first put a handful of soil over the 4-year old’s head and then did the same to his little brother. They were very grave and quiet, not sure what I was up to. Afterwards, we sat for a minute and watched other people enter the room. It was crowded and I knew that we should leave to make room for others, but I felt a need to wait a moment longer.

Then a family entered and looked into the pit. It was a couple and their two pre-teen children. They obviously all were mystified about the pit and what it signified. I told the man about the reputed healing powers of the soil in the pit and that he should rub the soil on the body part that was causing problems. He looked at me with such earnestness and pain as if he were frightened. At first he reached into the pit but then he just jumped in. His bulk took up the entire space. Then he took up a great handful of the dirt and rubbed it all over his wife’s left leg. She didn’t appear convinced but he continued rubbing her leg. The man then turned and put soil on each of his kids and then again on his wife, tears coursing from his eyes. I had to leave because tears were pricking at the corners of my eyes too.

From the tiny closet where El Posito resides, you exit the shrine through a room lined with benches. The walls of this small ante-room are covered with the crutches of those who regained their ability to walk after visiting the shrine. There are hundreds of photos, drawings, and missives from those who were healed of a variety of ailments. Their stories were as unique as snowflakes but the stories of the children were the ones that touched me the most. It was really quite moving to see what people’s faith had achieved.

We left the shrine and walked down the hill to the altars that have been adorned with rosaries, photos, notes and pleas for divine intercession. My sons and I had purchased two plastic rosaries in the gift shop and we hung them on a shrine. When our rosaries had found their place among the dozens of other plastic rosaries of all colors, we stood back and looked at the amazing mass of objects on the altar. Aside from the rosaries, there were candles, ribbons, photos, messages on napkins, messages on rocks, handkerchiefs and other paraphernalia that shrouded the altar, from top to bottom. The altar was such a mass of color and texture that it assaulted the eyes and yet filled one with such awe and wonder, that such a desire to believe still existed.

We walked away from the altars to an adjacent field where there were several stone arches. I could not tell if the arches were old but they gave a feeling of peace and solitude. We walked over and touched the stone and breathed in the fresh air. It was good to be in this place, relishing the feeling of serenity and the closeness to the divine.

We were done with our visit. It was with regret that we climbed back up the hill and walked away from the shrine. Yet, the visit would never end in my mind. It gave me a sense of hope, however remote, that my life would continue and my connection to God would strengthen.

The wild waves of Water Key: A trip off the coast of Utila, Honduras

(In case you didn't catch this one on examiner.com, here is a rerun)


While visiting the island of Utila, one of the Bay Islands off the coast of Honduras, my son, a friend, and I chartered a 10 foot “lancha” out to see one of the cays. The cays are the epitome of the deserted tropical island.

We visited Water Cay, a privately owned, undeveloped, three-acre cay that is a half-hour boat ride from Utila. The ride over was choppy but exhilarating and provided glimpses of a mellow sea turtle, a mansion built on a miniscule cay, and the topsy-turvy development on Pigeon and Jewel Cays. When we arrived, we arranged with our captain to meet him for the return trip at 1 o’clock in order to avoid the rough seas.

For about two dollars per person, payable upon arrival, you can spend the day lounging in the powder-white sand, floating in the shallow water, or walking over to Morgan’s Cay. We made sure to bring food and water with us, because when they say that the island is undeveloped, they mean that there is nothing, not a shack or a dock or a boat ramp. There were several trash cans, however, and a handsome young man raking up palm fronds and coconuts.

At 1 o’clock promptly, our captain was waiting for us and we hopped in the boat for our return trip. The captain suggested we move to the back of the boat and it didn’t take long to find out why. In the three hours that we had been on the island, the swells had grown and the chop had picked up. At one point, I swear the swells were over five feet, at least it seemed like they were. The bow of the boat would rise like a needle piercing the blue sky and then moments later plunge downward, leaving you with nothing but a view of the aqua-marine underworld. We screamed, gasped, laughed, and hid our eyes. It was then that I realized that I was possibly the only one in the boat that could swim. I clutched my son to me as he reached farther and farther out of the boat to touch the water. By the time we returned safely to Utila, I was soaked, hoarse, and exhausted from one of the most memorable days I had ever experienced.

Musings

Lately I have been swamped with all sorts of online writing possibilities and I have been busy working on all of them.

The most exciting is the fact that I am now the family travel "EXPERT" for the Phoenix area according to Examiner.com. I have written my first article and hope that it's posted soon. When it is, I'll be sure the let everyone know.

I am also going to be a contributer, blogger and fundraiser for a new website, www.cancerjourneys.com. This arose from my own experiences with breast cancer but I will actually be blogging about what I know best, travel. I will be writing about great trips that cancer survivors can take but they will be intersting to everyone so I hope you will all take the time to read them and let your friends know about them. It is a wonderful site and we would like to get the word out, especially to those many folks who might find comfort in the many uplifting and helpful messages that can be found there.

I have been thinking for a long time of writing something to send in for "This I Believe" on NPR. I even began writing a piece that focused on my cancer experience and how it changed my life. It was a good piece but it didn't really fit the bill of something that "I believe." So when my friend Kristin Spinning called and requested my story for the Cancer Journeys book, I realized that I already had it started. Later that day, I began thinking about "This I Believe" again and realized that what I really believe in is travel. Then it all came to me in a flash and I had it. Now I just have to get it down on paper and submit it.

I will let you know if it gets accepted. I will let the entire world know if it gets accepted. In the mean time, I will keep blogging and posting and traveling.

Living in the desert has its wonders, the saguaros, the gila monsters, the heat, but one thing the desert doesn’t have is surf. When Tucsonans get a hankering for salt water, they head south, south of the border, to Puerto Peñasco (Rocky Point), Mexico.

Rocky Point is the spring break capital of Southern Arizona but there is more to Rocky Point. The trick is to connect with the locals and to do that, you have to get off the beaten path, literally.

On one trip down to Rocky Point, we decided that we would drop off some used clothes and household items at the Esperanza para los Ninos Orphanage, just ten miles from Rocky Point. We had been given directions but you couldn’t miss the sign along the highway. We turned onto the dusty road, bouncing along in our old Volvo, loaded down with donations. It was a rutted road, but we weren’t concerned, until the dirt turned into sand. Before we thought to stop the car we were stuck. Fortunately, we were only about a quarter mile from the house, so my son and I got out and walked.

The Esperanza para los Ninos Orphanage is a completely volunteer-run facility that houses over thirty children and is always in need of supplies and donations. As we approached the main building, there were about a dozen children playing out in front. A caretaker and his wife came out to greet us and I explained about the car. The caretaker took off in a truck to help dig our car out. In the mean time, we went into the main building of the orphanage to meet the children.

When we visited, the main house was dimly lit but the children brightened it up. There were smiles and curious gazes everywhere I looked. They were clean and appeared well cared for. They were busy, doing their homework, playing together, reading and following us. They proudly showed us their toys and their books and they asked us to read to them. I was impressed with the circumstances yet it was obvious that the need was great.

I spoke with one of the volunteers and she told us the history of the orphanage. Many of these children had parents but their parents were too destitute to support them. So the children lived here, for anywhere from a month to years. We sat and visited for about an hour, drinking our bottled water in the shade of the porch. Even if you don’t speak Spanish, the volunteers are gracious and more than happy to communicate any way they can.

When no one appeared back from the car after half an hour, I decided to go and check on things. The men were still struggling to free the car from the sand. It was getting dark and we still had to get to Rocky Point before 7:00 PM. The men made a last ditch effort and the Volvo crawled out of the sand.

When we got back to the house, we unloaded the donations, thanked our hosts for their help and prepared to depart. The caretaker then suggested we leave by the back road, which we didn’t know existed. As we drove away from the house, the kids and volunteers waved us on a safe journey. Then we noticed that, although not paved, this road was much more stable and well-traveled. I guess the joke was on us. We hadn’t come in the main road at all, but would the story have been as good if we had?

For more information on the orphanage, go to http://www.esperanzaparalosninos.com/

Why change now?

Although this isn't my first blog, it is my first attempt at a blog for all the world to see. I decided to create this blog so that I could get some practice writing about my travels, to get experience that I might convert into a future job.

See, about 7 weeks ago, I was let go from the job that I have held for the last 8 years. It was with one of those corporate giants and I have decided that it didn't really meet my interests well enough. So at this late stage in my career, I am going to make a change. I love travel and cultures and languages, as do so many people. But I am tired of envying all those others who do what they really love. I need to find a way that I can to. It might be travel writing, it might be getting into the tourism industry, it might be starting my own business. Whatever it ends up being, I want to change direction and go for the brass ring.

Although my life might appear pretty ordinary to many, a single mom of 2 boys who works at a computer day in and out, goes to soccer games and spends her free time visiting friends and taking care of the family, it really is much more than that and I have dreams of something bigger, something more exciting and something more meaningful.

I have not just discovered this love of the world. This blog is titled "Wayfarers & Vagabonds" for a reason. I am a wayfarer and a vagabond, and I have been as long as I can remember. My first trip to a different country was when I was about 10 and my parents took me and two of my sisters to Guadalajara, Mexico. My memories of that trip are just snippets but they are vivid and moving in a way nothing else in my childhood was.

We travelled through Mexico on a slow train, eating chicken tacos as almost every meal. We had a cabin in the sleeper car and the novelty of it all made it quite an adventure. The colonial buildings and the park and plaza were so exotic for a kid from the suburbs of Southern California that I couldn't imagine anything more wonderful. But it was the people that made me know that I would always want to travel. We met a family in Guadalajara, friends of my great aunt and uncle, and they treated us with such hospitality and affection, you would think we were long lost relatives. The sound of the language grabbed me then as well and I fell in love for the first time, with a man about 17 years my senior, named Armando. As we drove away from their house, after an amazing and exotic meal and laughter and jokes, conveyed with a lot of sign language, I sat in the back seat of the rental car, looking out the back window, crying over the end of such a wonderful experience.

Fortunately for me, the international and intercultural experiences just kept on coming, thanks to my parents openness and interest in getting to know new people. One weekend, we hosted two Japanese businessmen, one of whom was named Mr. Toyota. My sister and I thought that was just the best name he could have. After that we hosted two Brazilian students, Luiz and Tony, and their guide, Leo. That weekend caused a pattering in my heart for all Brazilians and might explain why I later married one. But it wasn't until Berit came to stay with us for several weeks that I saw that it was possible for me to achieve some of the things that I wanted, to learn another language and to travel. She came to stay with us during her trip around the United States. She was from Sweden but had lived in Spain for quite a while and spoke fluent Spanish. I was about 12 at the time and I remember sitting in her room and talking to her about all her experiences. I remember being enthralled when, on a day-trip to Tijuana, Mexico, Berit bought a bag of sweets and then walked through the streets handing them out to all the children, while chattering on with them in Spanish. I wanted so badly to be able to do that. I wanted that life.

My family continued to invite people from around the world into our home and expand my love of and fascination with the world. We hosted three exchange students, two from Brazil and one from Sri Lanka, then later hosted the brother of one of the Brazilians for about six months. My younger sister and I both went abroad with AFS as exchange students, me to Germany and she to Colombia. But that was all just the beginning.....