From the highs to the lows

To make a very long story short, the appointment with my radiation oncologist was not all I had hoped for. There were several bits of bad news delivered that day. They include the following:

- The area of my breast/chest where the recent lump was found had been radiated during my previous cancer treatment, and yet it came back. This means that this cancer is particularly resistant to radiation (as it is to chemo, that we already knew).

- I will need to have radiation again but it will be more difficult this time (for them, not for me). They have to direct the radiation at an upward angle which means that they are going to have to tape my breast up to my arm. Sounds like fun, huh.

- I will also need to have chemo while getting my radiation. I know that I thought I was going to get a pass on the chemo this time but no such luck. The upside to this chemo is that it is not the heavy duty drugs that I got last time, no hair loss and nausea. This drug is a radiation enhancement drug to increase the effectiveness of the radiation.

- I will need to recover from the radiation for about six weeks before I can plan the next surgery.

So that's it in a nutshell. I wanted to get it all out there because I find that I would like to write about things other than just my cancer. I know that everyone is concerned about me and my health but I feel that there is so much more going on in my life that I want to share.


For the first time since my surgery, I went to yoga class at Sunstone Cancer Support Center. The instructor there, Jenny, teaches a gentle yoga class which is slow and yet quite powerful. Yesterday, we went into twists and other poses that moved the muscles and stretched the limbs but never required too much of us. Towards the end, we were on our backs in a relaxation pose when the rain started to come down. It never starts gradually. The drops sounded like nails being dropped on the roof. The clatter would have been unnerving for anyone not accustomed to our monsoon storms but to us it was reassuring and soothing. We welcome the rain whenever it comes and in whatever form it takes. After the rain stopped, the thunder continued, rolling through the desert, growling through our practice.

When we left the building, the air was moist and tepid. I told Jenny that I like the monsoons because they are passionate, loud and extreme. Drops were still falling in ones and twos and it felt so renewing after our yoga practice. I wanted to drink it in so I got in my car and opened all the windows and let the water drops fall on my arm, my face, my glasses, as I drove home.

I always feel so different after I have gone to yoga. I have attended several different classes, some fast and energetic, some competitive, some quiet and restful. I find Jenny's classes to be the best fit for me. I have been thinking about her and how she came to her role in my life. She used to be a statistician and through a round-about journey, arrived in Tucson teaching yoga. Her story was very inspiring, how she truly followed her bliss and found it here.

My stint as an unemployed writer/ESL teacher/traveler/single mom has continued for over four months. I have never been unemployed against my will. I have often come back from my travels and had no work, but that was part of the plan. This time it was quite unexpected and unwelcome. During the past months, I have come to the realization that this is my chance. This is a time that I have all to myself to figure out what I want to do and to remake my life, to find my bliss and follow it. That realization has me somewhat overwhelmed.

I have gone all over the place with my ideas. First I wanted to get my project management certification, thinking that that would prove to be a key to my success, although I wasn't quite sure what that might look like. I thought about international management and international non-profits. As much as I looked, my qualifications didn't seem to fit in with their requirements and I got discouraged. Then I thought, maybe I should think about teaching ESL again. I even considered going abroad to work, but realized much to my dismay that this recent bout of cancer was going to tie me close to home, what with medications and check ups and all the rest. My dreams of living overseas have to be put on hold once again, although we all know that that is probably for the best, as far as Mario, Mateo and Oscar are concerned.

After I realized that an overseas job just isn't in the cards at the moment, I got really lost. When I thought about the jobs like the one I just left, I knew that I wanted something different. I don't want to spend my days in front of a computer anymore. It worked for ten years but now it's time for a change. When I dream about what would make me the most happy, I know that it involves travel and going overseas. I don't necessarily have to live there, although I would love that. That's what my mind always takes me back to.

Then last night, I was talking to my friend Lisa and I said something that surprised me. I have thought about being a yoga instructor. It would be a healthy career and it would get me out from in front of the computer. What?????? What was I thinking????

I asked Lisa what she thought was going on, why I changed my career plans every day or so and she said that she thought it might be a way to keep my mind off of my health. I think she might be right. I have had a great time thinking about how I would go about becoming a yoga instructor and dreaming of all the retreats I could go to overseas. I have thought about building a private studio in the back where I could hold classes etc. When I get an idea, I really run with it. I also realized something else.... I need a counselor.

I have been sharing my ideas of the perfect career with everyone I talk to, my parents, my sisters and all my friends. Then it dawned on me that I really should be talking to a counselor because they might be able to help me really get some clarity on what I should do and how to go about doing it. So my next step is finding a counselor wih whom I have a good fit and I will go from there. Wish me luck!